Sue Slayers in Collinsport
by Ranguvar27
Summary: There's a beautiful new housekeeper at Collinwood, and Carolyn is very suspicious of her. Perhaps three mysterious women can shed some light on the puzzle. Dedicated to Midnight Valentina, using her OC Claudia.


Sue Slayers in Collinsport

Carolyn was in a foul mood. She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she cursed under her breath. She had tried talking to her mother, but Elizabeth had simply dismissed her worries as foolish notions. She had thought about telling Barnabas, but he seemed just as taken with..it...as Elizabeth. Only Victoria and David seemed less than enamored of their mysterious new housekeeper.

A delicate knock on her bedroom door made her look up, and she scowled as it opened, revealing a delicate porcelain heart shaped face framed with golden hair. "Miss Carolyn, are you going to stay in your room all day?" Her voice was soft and delicate, and Carolyn fought back the urge to claw her cheek open.

"Aurora, what I choose to do is my business. Now kindly fuck off."

Aurora blinked prettily and continued to smile. "Well, I only came up here to inform you that Mr. Quentin Collins is waiting in the drawing room."

Carolyn sighed in relief and ran downstairs, not caring that she nearly knocked Aurora down. Quentin beamed when he saw her, his smile slipping as he noticed the tenseness and worry in her eyes. "What's the matter, love?" Carolyn said nothing, just pointed over her shoulder at the descending figure of Aurora, and Quentin frowned. "She...doesn't smell right." he whispered, and Carolyn made a face.

"You noticed that too?"

"Yes. It's almost cloyingly sweet, her scent. I don't think she's human. No human is that beautiful."

"Well, let's go get some food. We can figure out what she is while we eat."

When they arrived at the Blue Whale, Carolyn's eye was immediately drawn to three women sitting at a table nearest the jukebox. They were dressed in ordinary clothes, and weren't doing anything to draw attention, but her wolf senses told her that these women-especially the tall brunette-were dangerous. She looked closer, and gulped when she saw that all three had guns strapped to their wastes and one-a blonde-was opening and closing what looked like a razor. The third, also blonde, was nursing a beer. The brunette spoke. "Claudia, relax. I know this is your first field assignment, so it's natural that you're a bit worried. But you did wonderfully in the training.."

"I was in hospital for two weeks with a broken leg."

"Yes, and that's good. Our last recruit was blown up. Slaying isn't exactly a safe job. Lydia, are you sure this is where we're supposed to be?"

Lydia nodded, pulling out a strange device that gave off low beeps. "Yeah. The Alert said the Dark Shadows movie-verse, and that's where we are. But as to where the Sue is, no sign."

"Excuse me?" Teresa looked 'round, smiling. Carolyn smiled back, feeling a bit nervous. "I...couldn't help but overhear some of your conversation. Something about...Sue?" Teresa frowned, and Carolyn's smile faltered. "What is a Sue?"

"A Sue is a malignant creature that disguises itself as a beautiful woman then proceeds to enter into different worlds and destroy them from the inside out. We go into the worlds affected and exterminate them. I'm Teresa, that's Lydia, and Claudia, our newest recruit."

"I'm Carolyn Stoddard, and this is Quentin, my...boyfriend."

Terri gaped at her. "Carolyn Collins Stoddard?"

"Yes, why?"

"Has anyone new showed up at Collinwood recently? A young woman, perhaps?"

Carolyn nodded. "As a matter of fact, yes! A few weeks ago, a willowy blonde beauty showed up at the doorstep claiming to be the new housekeeper. Mom hired her on the spot, and Uncle Barnabas is fascinated by her. I even heard her asking him to make her a vampire. Apparently she's dreamed of being young and beautiful forever. So far, he's refused, but each time it's taken longer and longer for him to say no."

Teresa tossed a few bills on the table and stood. "Right. Carolyn, we've got business to attend to. Nice meeting you both."

After they left, Quentin turned to Carolyn. "I hope they know what they're doing."

"Me too."

Halfway down the road, Teresa and Lydia stopped. Lydia grinned at Claudia. "Good luck, kid."

Claudia gawped at them. "Whuh?"

Terri's face was the picture of innocence. "Oh, didn't we tell you? First field assignment means that you take the kill yourself. Collinwood is just up that hill, and there's plenty of bullets in your gun. Now, go up, kill the Sue, and then report back to us. We'll be at the Blue Whale getting plastered."

Claudia gaped at their retreating backs. "Buh...buh...DAMN IT." She spun on her heel and stomped up the road, cursing.

Aurora Pansy Magda Harper Bella Smythe grinned as she examined her perfectly shaped and manicured nails, then adjusted her perfectly perky tits and crossed her long, lithe, and perfect legs. (She's perfect, in other words) Soon, all her dreams would come true. She would become an immortal creature of the night, and rule this town alongside her loyal minion, the oh so dreamy Barnabas. "It's only a matter of time before he bites me!" Of course, there was the small matter of Victoria and David. But Aurora had full confidence that she would be able to sway them over to her side easily enough. That left Carolyn. Aurora frowned. She would take some time, but eventually fall under her-

The doorbell rang.

Aurora bounded to the door, the happy, welcoming smile already affixed on her face. It faded when she was greeted by the sight of a short, blonde woman with one blue and one silver eye. "Yes?"

"Are you Aurora?"

"I am. Would you like to hear my tragic and moving life story?"

"Erm...not really."

"OK, then. I was born to parents that hated me, even though I did everything perfectly. I got all As in school, and was president of every single club. But I had a deep dark secret-I was able to see ghosts! My parents spent all their millions on the finest therapists and doctors, but I never got better. I also have a dread fear of growing old. I came here because I had a prophetic dream that I would find my Destiny in Maine, and I found Barnabas! I fell in love immediately, and tonight, I'm going to become a Creature of the Night!" She said this last line with much gesturing, then deflated when she noticed that her visitor was yawning. "Can I help you?" she asked,sniffing disdainfully.

Claudia snapped herself out of her stupor. "Right. Aurora Pansy Magda Harper Bella Smythe, it is my duty to inform you that you are guilty of the following crimes. One, being impossibly beautiful. Two, trying to break up the canon romance of Barnabas and Victoria. Two, hypnotizing Elizabeth Stoddard. Three, confusing the Dark Shadows world with the Twilight-verse. Four, having an oh so tragic past, and last but not least, being a Mary Sue. The penalty is death. Any last words?"

"You can't kill me! I only want to be happy and have everything handed to me on a silver..."

BANG.

Aurora fell backward, a silver bullet embedded in her forehead. Claudia blew smoke from the barrel of her gun and looked down at the corpse. "That was just a formality." She jumped back as Aurora exploded, showering glitter everywhere, coughing at the sickly-sweet scent of dead Sue. "Ugh. Well, that went smoothly enough. Now for the Blue Whale and beer!"

"Slayer Report: The entity known as Aurora has been eliminated from the DS world. Barnabas and Elizabeth are back to their normal selves, and Collinwood is as it is meant to be. New Slayer Claudia has successfully completed her first assignment, and we are looking forward to making her a permanent member of the team. Recommend three weeks vacation for all Team Members. This is Teresa Wright, Head Slayer, signing off."


End file.
